Let's talk about horses.

My relationship with horses for the past 10 years has been... complicated. I have nothing against them, but there are certain things about horses that have always raised some red flags for me. But, for the sake of fairness, I'll list some pros and cons.

Good Things About Horses:

1. Horses are tall.
2. Horses are fast.
3. Horses have names for all the different speeds that they walk at, which is awesome. Personally I feel like trotting is the sweet spot; then again, I don't love riding horses so anything faster than a trot gets a little scary. I respect the gallop, though. This is something I'd like to implement in day-to-day life and apply to human speeds (think "hey, would you canter over here real quick?").
4. Horses can run the barrel pattern.
5. Horses will let you dig into their feet with a pick and get out all the gunk. This is a lot of fun and very satisfying to do (except that picking up a horse's foot is scary and difficult).

Bad Things About Horses

1. Horses are bigger than I am.
2. I don't like riding horses because you can't always trust a horse to do exactly what you want it to do. I prefer being supported by my own legs because I trust them.
3. Horses will pee while you are sitting on top of them. This sucks because they don't tell you they're going to do it, they just unfurl their terrifying pee devices and then start attacking the ground with their urine stream. You better hope somebody tells you about it so you have time to get your legs out of the way.
4. Horses also poop unannounced, but this isn't quite as bad as the peeing, since their poo dispenser is far enough away from you that you may never know they did it.
5. I am allergic to horses.
6. Horses cannot talk. Not that I really want them to talk, because that would be terrifying, but it would also be really funny if a horse did talk. Maybe one time, and then it could stop forever.

I spent a lot of summers really not liking riding horses, which I think is a valid thing. When I was thirteen years old, I made the mistake of letting my mom know that being on top of a horse made me uncomfortable. I should've kept my mouth shut, because then I could've never had to ride a horse again. But since I told her, my mom decided it was important for me to "face my fears" or something (I think my mom is just pro-horse and really wanted to convert me), so I had to spend another summer riding horses, which made me even more uncomfortable than before because not only was I riding horses, which I do not like to do, but I was also frustrated because I was being made to ride horses. A lot of choking back tears on horseback happened that summer.

The only horse thing that I liked doing was the barrel pattern. It's very satisfying aesthetically, and the area we did barrels in was not super bumpy, so I wasn't constantly scared that the horse would trip and send me flying.

When I was sixteen, I rode a horse one time, and it tried to buck me off, but I hung on and I felt like I beat the horse at its own game. That was my last real-life horse experience.

In the last month or so, I've become fascinated with horses. I'm definitely more fond of the idea of a horse than I am of actual horses in person (in horse?). I just think there's something that's so funny about the concept of a horse. It's a funny word, they're shaped funny, and people ride them?? A horse is so inherently comical; I don't know how I've missed out on this my whole life. 

If I had to rank the funniest animals both physically and conceptually, I think horses would be number two, right after rats.

A couple weeks ago, in a moment of pure inspiration, I realized that horses can do anything. Name one thing a horse can't do. I promise, you can't. And if you think you can, you're wrong, and horses can definitely do that. That's the true beauty of a horse- its limitless nature.